The Amityville Horror

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Melissa George, Philip Baker Hall
Directed by: Andrew Douglas

The thing about Horror Movies is that they often turn out to be Horrible Movies. A lot of films go for the gore and the ugly faces to freak people out, and I wish I could say this movie had been different. Unfortunately, that’s not the case.

I wasn’t able to watch the original Amityville Horror movie of 1979. And somehow, I don’t think I want to now. Come to think of it, I am not a horror movie fanatic. I avoid it as much as I can. Not just because I scare easy, but also because horror movies rarely know where the truth is at. As I’ve said, they like popping in bloody faces in, blood dripping from faucets, kids hanging by their necks from the rafters are also a favorite, and of course, the self-closing and opening windows and doors. As if the only way you could tell there’s a ghost in the house is if your door acts on automatic pilot most of the time. Bill Gates’ house has doors and windows that open at the touch of a button, a pool that fills itself up, and a broom that sweeps the floor all by itself, but somehow no one ever thought that as frightening. Only how much money he’s making earns the gasps of disbelief. But I digress. Most horror movies disappoint me, because obviously, the scriptwriters never saw a ghost in their life and they’re just pilfering ideas from other scare-movies until they’ve rehashed everything ad nauseam.

The scariest things are unseen – you’d think they know that. Horror is a mental state, not a visual effect. A good scary story must have a story, first of all, a presence, a looming darkness, an uncertainty. Good horror films work well because they have a preference to use shadows and blurry edges. They find a way to evoke the heavy-air feeling that ghostly presence brings with it. That’s what it feels like to feel ghosts, and you can trust my word for it. Evil is another word that brings crisp thunder to mind, a cackling laugh that sticks in you head, and malevolent intent that you could feel prickling at the back of your neck. It rarely needs to involve bathroom mirrors and bathtubs with unseen hands dragging you down.

It would also help if the actors in the film could at least partially pretend they weren’t just pretending to be scared. Alright, I’d be a little nicer and give credit where it’s due. Ryan Reynolds has improved as an actor. He can now act out three emotions: cocky assuredness, cocky goofiness and cocky dementia. Bra-vo. True enough, he’s got one hot and buff bod. Only it was offset by his red-blood contact lenses. Meanwhile, Melissa George is a younger looking Olivia D’Abo. And –uhm, I’m sorry to say that’s about everything I remember about her. All the kids were stereotypical: the angsty teenager, the middle-child pisser and the sweet little girl who befriends the friendly little girl ghost.

The movie just very plainly failed to terrify. But at the very least, it’s good enough for a few cheap thrills, if that’s what you’re after. It wasn’t exactly unbearable – at some point, there were very funny scenes. Unfortunately, they were the ones that supposed to elicit the screams.

Ha. But it did teach me a lesson, y’know – never, ever buy an old house. Don’t ever say houses can’t kill people. Coz that just means you haven’t watched enough movies. And most of all, don’t ever watch horror movie remakes ever again. Just don’t.